Hopelessness

Every now and then, I wake up with a mind that convinces me everything is hopeless, and a heart that allows me to feel that way. I literally just wake up to "feeling" that way sometimes, feeling that there's no way out, no chance of getting better and the task at hand is just too great.

Today was one of those days -- I felt, therefore it was true. It took some reading, reflecting & a nap to snap me out of this. I suspect that this mind & heart deception comes from many things: my general outlook on everything, the lack of discipline to hope & trust in God and/or my personality that is shaped from my past experiences. It is one nasty one-two, followed by a hook.

Remedies? Putting off the focus on me and lay it back to God. Crazy love by Francis Chan paints the truth about God's character, His love & helped me to do that today. Life isn't about me or you -- so brothers/sister/friends, please keep reminding me.

-b

wisdom from my friends

As I was browsing my notes on my phone, I found a note capturing a few quotes that my friends said directly to me sometime this year as I was in the pits. They couldn't have come at a better time as I recall each of these conversations as I re-read these quotes..

"your worth is not determined by your actions, or by what you do or don't do. grace covers you" -Jess

"we lose sight of the end goal by giving into things that bother us right now" -Pete

As I am chewing on these -- these are key reminders to all my struggles this year.. thank you guys for these insights.

I feel...

...defeated. That is all.

Jin Inspiration

verse 3: (~3:02)
¹you gota really focus for your goal to be seen
you either want it or you don't there's no in between
never let no man poke a hole in your dream
usually it be the ones that be low in esteem
I don't succumb to it in fact I'm numb to it
I face it then embrace it and never run from it
I get it all they're tryin' to do is slow my momentum
so I'll be stuck where they at but I don't hold it against 'em
²the ladder of maturity I'm climbin' higher and higher
certainly don't expect to see me fight fire with fire
³if it's in His will there's nothin' that can't be done
they'll try to pull you under but trust that you'll overcome

Jin's music has been on repeat for the past little while now. As I was heading home today after the gym, I felt convicted... what a smack in the face with italics #1. Yep, I agree -- there ain't nothing in between, reminds me of being lukewarm... As for italics #2, it's a quite a profound way to look at maturity, do I fight fire with fire? busted... And lastly, I think I forgot all about italics #3, lacking trust & hope that I can overcome~

#91 - chicken soup for the soul

#91 - A dear friend back in grade 11 once took a chicken noodle soup book & literally wrote out all life lessons that I should "try to remember". She specifically highlighted ones that were "100% me". Boy, she definitely hit the spot. However, it was humbling to re-read these lessons and know that I have been struggling with them over a decade ago. I also realize that it'll be a lengthy process to remove these false thinking & narratives about myself. Thankfully, I have something much greater in value in me (than mere human 'principles') through His love, mercy, grace, death & resurrection.

#92 - New hobbies

#92 - When I started school in gr. 4 at Cresthaven, two things that I looked forward to most: baseball and dodgeball. I played outfield for the gr. 4 team and for a little asian boy, I apparently had a sick arm. I literally cried for a whole day when the baseball tournament was cancelled... : (

And the baseball team was no more starting in gr. 5... double : (... I was so sad.

#93 - Sacrifice

Surprisingly, this 100factsaboutme is much harder than I expected. Maybe I am too picky about what to post but I think I will follow the trend... which are facts about me chronologically... that may help.

Continuing from #98.... #93 - From what I remember, my parents gave up pretty promising job (especially my mom) so we can have a better education in Canada. I often forget that & I don't think I thank them/appreciate them enough. Thanks Mom & Dad...!

#94 - VeeDeeO Games

#94 - Some of my all time favourites include:

• Final Fantasy 7
• Final Fantasy 8,10,13
• Starcraft I & II
• Warcraft 3
• Half Life 1,2
• Chrono Trigger
• Secret of Mana 3
• Counterstrike (which Asian kid didn't like this game/mod?)
• Front line force (another mod to HL which I got really involved in)
• DoTA
• Mario RPG
• Grand Turismo (all)
• Halo

And that's about it... I think!

#95 - Notetaking

#95 - Notetaking - For those that know me, I love carrying around my notebook and take notes on it whenever I get a chance. If I'm reading a book, I will be taking notes on the computer. If I hear something interesting/profound, I would pull out my Blackberry and send myself a note...

Looking into my notebook and my e-notes - I've compiled a lot of different thoughts & I'm glad I did that... because I love revisiting the past** - so here's one that I stumbled across tonight from the book, Courage & Calling:

The only way to respond to change is to face it honestly and see change as opportunity.... [to what? boo to incomplete sentences :(]

#96 - Top 5 before 30

#96 - Top 5 adrenaline activities that I want to do before I'm 30 - No particular order:

1. Snowboard on a 2000+ feet mountain out on the west coast or in the States

2. Drive a rally car in Australia

3. Drive one of my dream cars on an enclosed track

4. Skydiving

5. Go to a shooting range & fire a sniper rifle

#97 - Sauces

#97 - My favourite Sauces/Condiments/Soup base includes the following, sorted by where it can be found:

Chinese Dimsum - Mustard (perfect for them ha-gaos)
Korean food - Bibimbap Sauce
Japanese food - Wasabi
Cora - Hollandaise Sauce (Found on the egg benedict)
HK style cafe - Garlic Sauce (on the metal plates)
Malaysian - Laksa (curry based soup with coconut milk?)
Greek - Tzatziki
Arab - Hummus
Shanghai - Soup base found in Dam Dam Mein (Peanut based)
Burgers/Fries - Ketchup!
... and probably lots more

Just no weaksauce! haha -_-"

#98 - Family

My immediately family includes my parents, my older brother+wifey & my most beloved grandma who passed 3.5 years ago. Miss her tons

#99 - Origin

#99 - I was born in Hong Kong and immigrated to Canada when I was 8 & 1/2. Below is my first class photo in Canada~

Old School Me: #100factsaboutme.

As techy I claim myself to be - I think I'm going to stick with the basics, blogging. I'm down with Youtube, Facebook but I just don't get twitter. So instead of putting this up twitter - I'll blogger it up instead. Maybe this will kickstart my blogging and/or writing habits.

So! 100 facts about me - updated daily. In no particular order & hope y'all enjoy.

#100 - God loves me & God loves you, no matter who. Did you know that?

Encouragement

A highschool friend's baby passed and the funeral was today. I have never met the baby but she looked adorable from the pictures and videos. According to the parents, she was quite the fighter and she smiled tons despite what she had gone through. She must have been so precious....

During the funeral service, the pastor shared his message from 2 Corinthians 4:13-18

...because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence

Eventually, the one who raised Jesus will raise us with Him...! That was quite the wakeup call... Then the pastor reminds us that.. during our troubles... suffering... and trials we...

...Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

As we age and we feel like we're older by the day... we are actually renewed day by day when we're walking with God! I can definitely say that I don't feel that way everyday and it's easy to overlook.. because I focus on my troubles.. but Paul says:

...For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Simply amazing...

Change

...is hard. Very hard. And if we try by our own strength and by our own ways, we are bound to fail. We may gain a little ground, but it's so easy to slide. But thank goodness it's not the end for us, we have His hope and strength - for my strength is made perfect in weakness

Just words...

Pastor Tom walked us through Song of Songs this Sunday and I loved it. A lesson on love. It might seem like love between a man and wife - but on a deeper level, its God's love for man. Although this concept is really hard to grasp - the imagery is quite powerful!

One thing Tom said that stood out to me was: "If you don't have love, it's like clanging gongs", and by that he meant words without love... so before I had to look it up - I found this verse on my BB:

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 Corinthians 13:1

Feelin' miserable?

It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him - Abraham Lincoln

Saw this quote from my friend's fb (thanks Clara!) page and this quote totally blew my mind. There are good days and there are bad days. When a bad day rolls around - I tend to feel quite miserable about myself... about how I am not good enough or simply upset at myself for being . But this is totally inline with what I have been studying in my Small Group. How our identity is not wrapped around who we are, what we do, but Who dwells in us - it's so awesome...

Perfecting love

I was digging some old journals and I found this out of my journal:

We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love - when instead, we should be perfecting the love we give.

guess Who gives us perfect love?

Natural progression - TG Day4

Isaiah 41:20 - o that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the LORD has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.

One of the questions from my Bible study was: Explain how these actions lead to the appreciation of God's deliverance. How does the sequence of verbs help you see God's deliverance and provisions in your life?

See, know, consider, understand - I was completely blown away. I can vouch for this natural progression. I see God in other faithful Christians around me, I came to know (of) Him through church and others around me. I considered following Him and when I have made my choice to, He allows us to understand Him through the character of Christ in His Word with the help of the Holy Spirit.

A mutual Friend - Day 3

Sometimes all it takes to turn a sour day into a sweet one is that one conversation -- with a family member, friend, co-worker or even a stranger.

Monday night, I had a chance to chit chat with a buddy of mine from my Bible Study group, shared our lives a little and talked about what's going down in our lives.

All thanks to our mutual Friend, we can have relationships with one another and have chats like these - it's just awesome.

A beautiful mind - Day 2

Today I thank God for the gift of our minds. He provides us with the ability to think.

2 Timothy 1:7 - For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind

Sunday night I was stuck in my car in the freezing cold without my phone (long story) but fortunately, I had a laptop, came up with the idea of stealing some wifi - used my free skype calling to get out of the bind that I was in. Thank goodness.

Thanksgiving - Day 1

Going to start this a new exercise from one of the books I am reading recently -- and that's to give thanks everyday for something that I have been blessed with. I realize I am not a very grateful person with a tendency to point out all the negative things in my life of the things. So this is gonna be my fight - fight to get out of this slum!

Today... I am thankful for patient friends - who bare with me when I blow up on them, when I am unreasonable with them and remind me to take a breath when I am stressed/worried about something that I don't need to worry about.